


Begin Again

by FrijoleJones



Category: Original Work, Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-08-01 16:23:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16287890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrijoleJones/pseuds/FrijoleJones
Summary: When a widowed man moves into a new apartment and tries to pick up the pieces of his life, he finds that sometimes all you need is a little help from some new friends to start over.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another attempt at some fiction. Enjoy. The first chapter is going to be short.

His therapist’s words rang through his ears as he sat in his living room, the new paint of the walls in the apartment still stinging his nose. “Maybe, you should write down what you feel if you still cannot talk about it.” 

He took out a legal pad and starting scribbling, soon finding the words were flowing out of him like water from a faucet.

“I still hold on to the last letters you sent me, before all of this, before the end. It’s been a couple of months. I thought I might be used to this feeling by now. I’m not. I put the house on the market, but there are no serious offers. There was just too many memories, too many reminders to get past. Even when I would take pictures down, when I would remove something, I felt like it was still there and almost like I was betraying you. I took Rufus and moved to an apartment near the college. It’s not nearly as quiet and I think I am surrounded by students. Rufus loves it, though. He gets so much attention from the neighbors and their friends. They try to talk to me, but I think they must think I am weird. I don’t respond much, except for small talk. It’s obviously hard to open myself up to friendship to people that are 10 years or so younger than me. They are kids. Remember when we were that young? Seems like a lifetime ago. I would have never thought that at 30, I would be alone. Till death do us part came way too soon. Your mom calls me every other day or so. I think she is worried about me. Maybe she should be. It is hard to get out of bed most days. If Rufus didn’t have to go to the bathroom at the same time every morning, I am not sure if I would even go outside. I miss you.”

He placed the legal pad down on the table next to his chair. This was a new feeling. He actually felt a little better, he knew she was never going to be there again, but being able to write down what he wanted to say, he felt a little less alone. Rufus saw some of his neighbors through the window near the community barbecue and began whining and wagging his tail. He wanted attention from someone, the attention that was lacking from his master. Rufus was Victoria’s dog, a gift for an anniversary four years ago. He was as full grown as a golden lab was going to be and save for a few weeks when he noticed that his mom wasn’t there anymore, was as rambunctious as ever. He pushed himself up from his chair, grabbed the leash, and opened the door, allowing the dog to rush towards his neighbors.  

“Rufus!” one of the young ladies squealed while the dog rolled around, waiting for a belly rub. “Where is your daddy?”

“Right here,” he said. “Sorry if he is a little out of control.”

“No worries. I love this little pooch, yes I do,” the young woman scratched the labrador’s stomach which elicited a happy squeal from him. 

“I never got your name,” she said. “I mean, you have lived in our building for a couple months and I know your dog’s name, maybe I should know who he belongs to.”

“Apologies. I’m Jake,” he said, extended his hand slowly. The young woman grasped it and shook it firmly. 

“I’m Ali,” she said. “The three ladies over there showering your dog with love are Ashlyn, Kelley, and Alex.” 

Jake waved weakly and was greeted more warmly than he expected.

“We are grilling some burgers, want to join us?” Kelley asked.

Jake stammered and looked down to the ground, trying to think of any excuse to go back and hide in his apartment. He hadn’t had actual physical contact since Victoria’s funeral and even after three months, he wasn’t sure he was ready. He looked up with sad eyes and saw Ashlyn feeding Rufus a burger, which he happily accepted. 

“You need to get out of your comfort zone,” his therapist’s voice said again. “Do you think Victoria would want you to be so isolated?”

Jake sighed heavily and looked up at Ali’s hopeful face.

“Sure,” he said finally, with a hint of resignation in his voice.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake's past comes up but he shuts down. Ali tries to reach out to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I hope you are all enjoying this. 
> 
> Follow me on Twitter: FrijoleJones

As he sat at the picnic table, surrounded by four women whom he had nothing in common with, other than Rufus, he felt awkward and uneasy. Ali apparently noticed this and would flash smiles at him, almost pleading with him to engage with them.

“So, where did you get this adorable animal?” Kelley asked, scratching Rufus behind the ears much to his delight.

“I got him about four years ago,” Jake said, almost robotically. “He was an anniversary present.”

“Oh, so there is a Mrs. Jake!” Alex said brightly. “Get her down here!” 

Jake sighed heavily and tears welled up in his eyes and he began to stammer and stutter over his words. “I… I… wish… I…”

“Oh God, I am so sorry,” Alex said as she realized what she had said.

“It’s…” Jake just sighed heavily. “It’s not your fault, you couldn’t have known. I am not exactly the most outgoing of neighbors.” 

“What was her name?” Ashlyn asked. 

“Could we talk about something else?” Jake pleaded, already starting to feel himself go into the dark place he had lived in for months. “Why don’t you tell me about yourselves.”

“Well,” Ali said with a smile. “Ash and I are roommates and we live across the hall from you.”

“Roommates my ass,” Alex said with a laugh. “You two haven’t used the second bedroom since you moved into that place.”

“Anyways,” Ali said, throwing potato chips at Alex. “We are all on the soccer team at the university. Kelley and loudmouth over there live on the first floor. Most of the people who live in these apartments are athletes at the university.” 

“So if you were looking for quiet, you might have picked the wrong apartments,” Kelley said. “But our team likes to keep it low key and nearly the entire building is us. We’ll try to not keep you awake late into the night.”

“It’s okay, I don’t sleep much anyways,” Jake said quietly. This much was true. He still had the bed that he and Victoria shared. He couldn’t get rid of it. It still smelled a little like her and it comforted him when he actually attempted to sleep in it. Most nights, he slept on the couch with Rufus asleep on whatever part of him that he decided on.  

“So you and Alex aren’t together?” Jake asked.

“Um… no,” Alex said through a full mouth. “Kelley is really cute and all, but I have a boyfriend on the men’s team. If you feel like hanging around with us, you will probably meet him.”

After about an hour of listening to the girls talk about their lives and their coach in not so glowing terms, Jake decided he needed to go back inside and resume his life of solitude. 

“I’ll walk you back,” Ali said with a smile. 

“No, it’s okay,” Jake said, whistling for Rufus, who came obediently.

“No, I will walk you back,” Ali said a little more forcefully. 

Jake submitted and began walking to his apartment with Ali next to him. 

“Listen. I know you aren’t ready to open up to anyone and I am not even sure what your entire story is, but I want you to know that if you need to talk, Ash and I are right across the hall and we are very good listeners. We have both been through some losses in our lives and may be able to help. You don’t have to stay shut up in your apartment all the time. No one out here is going to judge you or make you talk about something you don’t want to talk about, okay? You seem like a good guy who is going through something unspeakable, but you don’t have to go through it completely alone. You are among people who wouldn’t mind being your friend. Just remember that.”

“Let me guess, psychology major?” Jake asked with a chuckle, the first joke he had made all day.

“No, public relations. Jerk.” she replied, tapping him on the arm. “Just remember what I said.” 

Jake nodded and walked into his apartment with the dog. 

When Ali got back to the table, the other girls were cleaning up. 

“What was that about?” Ash asked. “Should I be worried about Rufus stealing you away?”

“No, I just let him know that he doesn’t have to be locked away all the time and that we are friendly and can be his friends, if he wants them.”

“Do you think he wants friends?” Alex asked. “He doesn’t strike me as someone who is very open about things. He was really quiet.”

“I think he is broken,” Ali said. “Whatever he went through with his wife broke him inside. I think we need to remember that and tread lightly at first. When he is ready, I think he is going to break open and it is all going to come flooding out.”

“Always looking out for someone, it’s why I love you,” Ash said, kissing her girlfriend on the cheek. 

“Hey, is that coach’s SUV?” Kelley asked.

The pair quickly moved away from each other but saw there were no cars in sight.

“You’re an ass,” Ash said. 

“I try.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Some talk of military deployment, infidelity, death and war. Also some foul language.
> 
> Jake sits down with his therapist and has a small breakthrough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate the small amounts of feedback I have gotten. It really does keep me going. So thank you so much.

“I met my neighbors,” Jake said to his therapist, Dr. McBride, while sinking down into the chair.

“Oh really, and how was that?”

“Weird, I guess. They are younger than me, college age. I really don’t think I have much in common with them.”

“You sound like you are making excuses to not engage with them and sink back into being solitary. Why are you so afraid to open up? To anyone?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do. Something is holding you back, what is it? Try to vocalize it.”

“I guess when I found out about Victoria, I lost my trust in everyone. When something like that happens, when the person who you thought was the one person in the world you could trust with anything, shatters that trust, how are you supposed to trust again?”

“That is only something you can answer, Jake. Have you talked to her parents since she died?”

“They call at least once a week, but I can’t talk to them either. The wounds are still fresh for me.”

“I can see that, you have been coming here once a week for two months and I really don’t think we have even scratched the surface yet.”

“So are you saying that I am wasting your time?” Jake asked, starting to feel agitation spring up inside of him.   
  


“I never think that our sessions are a waste of time, but I do think that unless you start talking about what has made you hold onto this intense distrust of everyone, what  _ really _ happened with you and Victoria…” 

Jake cut off his therapist by flinging himself out of his chair.

“You really want to know?! Fine. I come back from an 18-month tour in Iraq where I got to watch some of my closest friends die in firefights, in roadside bombings, 8-year olds hurling grenades into humvees. The most gruesome shit I have ever seen in my life. I come home, my time in the Army up, ready to settle into a new life to find out my wife, who I tried to stay alive for, who I willed myself to live for, who I swore I would make a better life for if and when I got home, the woman whose name is tattooed on my chest…” Jake felt tears well up in his eyes. 

“I come home and I am told everything I know is fake and the one person that I love has fallen in love with someone else! Then she leaves, she fucking leaves and gets killed in a car accident! What the fuck? How do I even wrap my head around that? Do you know her parents don’t even know about him? They don’t even know what happened? No one does except for her, whoever the fuck it was she was in love with and me? He was probably at the fucking funeral! He probably listened to me give her eulogy! And you know what the most fucked up part is? I still love her! I never stopped! I still wear my wedding ring like she is still here! Like she is going to come back into my life like nothing ever happened!” 

Jake collapsed into the chair, a mixture of tears and sweat decorating his red, anguished face.

“How do you feel now?” Dr. McBride asked. 

“Hurt, fucking sad, angry, betrayed. Fuck.”

“Grief is a process, Jake. What you went through is no exception. You have some things inside of you that will come out as this process continues. You will never stop grieving, But it does get better, day by day, minute by minute. Your choice is whether or not you choose to remember the love you and Victoria had or do you choose to remember the end. I hope you choose wisely.”

“I miss her, Doc,” Jake sighed. “Even with everything that happened, I miss her everyday. I love her so much. I don’t think I will ever be able to love someone again like I loved her.”

“That remains to be seen, Jake. You are still young and you have a long life ahead of you. Don’t close yourself off because you are protecting your feelings for her. You are still allowed to have those feelings and be friends, and maybe in time, love someone else. Anyone who is worth it will understand what you have been through and what you are going through in your mind. Just don’t give up on everyone. There are good people in the world who want to be lights in the darkness. You have to let them. I have some homework for you to do before our next session. Have you slept in your bed yet, or are you still on the couch?”

“Couch.”

“Sleep in your bed. I understand it is going to be hard because you were used to having someone next to you in that bed. Remember how you got used to sleeping in a small bed when you were deployed? It is almost the same thing. You have to train yourself to get used to a new reality. This, as painful as it is, is what is happening right now.”

“I’ll try,” Jake said. 

“No, you will do,” Dr. McBride said sternly. “Also, I want you to be a little more accessible to your neighbor, what was her name?”

“Ali,” Jake said back.

“Right, Ali. She sounds like she could possibly be a good sounding board.”

“Dr. McBride?” Jake asked weakly. “Am I ever going to get over this?”

“You started down the right path today, I think.”

That night, Jake stood in his bedroom door looking at the bed that he and Victoria used to sleep in, make love in, the bed that he hoped one day their children would come and wake them up in. Rufus stood next to him, wagging his tail almost hopefully and occasionally looking up at him. Jake took a step into the room. He willed himself to the bed and pulled down the comforter and settled himself in. It was utterly foreign to him, cold and uninviting. He fought himself to stay there as the memories came flooding back to him. He felt tears forming at the corners of his eyes. He laid back and closed his wet eyes. A few seconds later, Rufus jumped onto the bed and put his head next to Jake’s, kissing his master’s face before both of them fell asleep soundly for the first time in three months. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A good night's sleep finally. And now getting out of the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for following this story. I know it is a bit slow, but I have plans for it.

The apartment was quiet, save for the humming of the oscillating fan in the bedroom, and Rufus snoring. The two friends hadn’t experienced this comfort in nearly two months and were clearly enjoying it. Jake was in the middle of a random dream and drooling on his pillow when a knock at the door awoke Rufus, who leaped off the bed to announce the guests at the door. He sniffed at the door as Jake approached in his sweatpants and began wagging his tail. 

“Do you know who it is, buddy?” Jake asked as he began unlocking the deadbolt. He opened the door to find Ash and Ali dressed in their soccer gear standing there with smiles on their faces. Rufus tried to push his way past Jake and show his love for the neighbors. 

“Gameday!” Ali said, and in Jake’s half-asleep state, a little too loudly. “You have to be there, we are playing one of our biggest rivals. It will be good to get out into the world. We can introduce you to the rest of the team.”

“I don’t know,” Jake said, looking down. “Not very good at meeting strangers as you can see.”

“Oh no, that wasn’t a request,” Ash said with a smile. “You’re coming.”

“Oh, I am?” Jake said with a small laugh.

“I’m joking, but we would like to see you there. It’s a really nice day out and it would be nice to have some extra support, I am sure you can get loud when you want to.”

Jake sighed and looked at his neighbors who were comically batting their eyes at him. “Alright, alright. I’ll be there.”

Ali cheered and Ashlyn just smiled. “The game starts at 12,” Ali said.

The two ladies walked down the stairs to the street level while Jake closed the door. He could think of worse ways to spend a Saturday afternoon, and he had decided that maybe going outside would do him some good. He was still unsure about meeting the rest of the team, so he thought he might duck out of the game before Ali dragged him to do so. 

He made his way to the soccer stadium on campus, a short drive away from his apartment. He was struck by how beautiful the campus was as fall was settling in. He walked past some of the buildings and wondered to himself what it must be like to be a student there. He felt somewhat out of place on the campus as students passed him. He clearly looked older, with the weight of the last couple of months aging him a few years. A couple of young women gave him smiles, but Jake couldn’t bring himself to return the favor. He began wondering if this was all a giant mistake. He kept his head down as he approached the small soccer stadium which was sparsely filled with fans, even with the team having a stellar record. He looked around for a box office or someone selling tickets, but saw nothing of the sort. 

He walked around the stadium aimlessly, looking out at the field while the teams warmed up. Maybe he was a little naive, but he thought there would be much more animosity between the two teams considering Ali said it was a rivalry game. However, he saw what seemed to be friendly interactions at the center line. He found himself just staring off into space when he heard the voice of two men talking behind him. 

“Tough match today,” one of the men said. 

“Yeah, they have a ton of butches on that team, like playing a bunch of men. I can’t believe they allow it. Some of them more manly than either one of us,” he laughed, not realizing that anyone could hear his hateful words.

“This team doesn’t have that problem?”

“No. No problems like that. Oh, I made sure of that. If I had any of that shit, I would bounce them right the hell off my team. I don’t put up with that.”

Jake turned and looked over his shoulder and could barely contain his anger. He knew that Ali and Ash were together, but apparently their coach was oblivious. He feared what the coach would do if he found out. He also wondered how many of the other women on the team were living in fear of losing their spot if their coach found out their sexual orientation. He also couldn’t believe that the university would allow someone that bigoted to coach women. When he was handed a program by one of the stadium attendants, he could see why. This coach won in every place he had even been. He also noticed that he only spent about five to seven years at each stop. With an attitude like that, he could see that the coach could and probably wore out his welcome at each place. 

Once the whistle blew to start the game, the friendly feelings stopped. It was a brutal affair with rough play, plenty of fouls and lots of up and down movement. As he watched along with the raucous crowd, he could feel himself getting more and more into it, standing up when the team had scoring opportunities, hecking the officials when he felt there were incorrect calls, even high-fiving a stranger when Alex headed in a beautiful cross for the winning goal, her second of the match. Ashlyn was an artist in the net, only allowing a fluke goal that was deflected off her own defense. Ali was, to Jake’s surprise, the most aggressive player on the field, throwing her body around and defending like a woman possessed. It was a different side to Ali then he ever thought he would see. Warm and friendly off the pitch, and a warrior on it.  

As the closing minutes of the match wound down, Jake thought back to his own playing days fondly. He played in high school and enjoyed his time, even receiving some notice from universities. His mind, however, was made up long before the offers of scholarships and financial aid were there. He was going to join the military, something he decided at age 13 when he saw the Twin Towers fall. He wanted to serve his country, not to avenge the lives lost or anything like that, but because he was inspired by the bravery of all who responded to the tragedy. He had no idea what he was signing up for as an 18-year old, but he wouldn’t have traded his days serving for anything, save for maybe his last deployment.

The crowd extended the team a standing ovation as the final whistle blew, another hard fought win in the books and another step closer to a conference title and a trip to the NCAA tournament. As the teams shook hands and left the field, Ali looked into the stands and pointed at Jake and pumped her fist. He didn’t understand if it was because of the win or she was happy to see her batted eyes had worked on him. She motioned from him to come to the front row of the bleachers and simply said: “Don’t go anywhere.” while pointing at him with a smile on her face. 

As the players passed by the bleachers, Kelley saw Jake and asked with a grin “Where’s Rufus?”

Jake shook his head as if to say “I see how it is” as Kelley laughed and joined her teammates in the locker room. 

The women celebrated their win in the locker room with Gatorade and sandwiches, dancing around to loud music while the coach looked on. He walked over to Ali, who was laughing and joking with her teammates.

“Krieger, can I see you in my office?” he said, walking down the hallway from the locker room to his office, which gave the ladies a bit of privacy while they showered and changed.

Ali was a little confused, but followed him. He sat down behind his desk as she walked in. 

“Shut the door,” he said. 

“What’s up, Coach?” she asked with a little concern in your voice.

“First of all, relax, Krieger. You’ve been playing some great football. I just wanted to talk to you about your future. There are some pro scouts who are looking for a anchor to their back line and your name keeps coming up.” 

He got up from behind his seat and moved around to the door, shutting the blinds which made Ali uncomfortable and shift in her seat.

“You know, I know some of those scouts and the head coaches in the pro league,” he continued. “I could put in a good word for you. You could be drafted high, get some endorsements. I know all the right people. I could help you get to the next level of your football career, Krieger.”

He put his hands on her shoulders and began rubbing them. “But that is up to you and how you want to handle the situation.”

Ali could feel tears welling up inside her and her body began to tense up at the coach’s unwelcome touch.

“Uh, thanks Coach,” she said, getting up out of her seat and trying to make her way to the door. “It’s something that I am going to have to give some thought to.”

Ali opened the door and the coach pushed it shut. “You do that, but just remember something, I can make you or I can break you in this sport. Keep that in mind.”

Ali opened the door quickly and pushed herself past the coach as he shut the door behind her. She sat down in the hallway and collected her thoughts before she returned to the locker room. She knew she couldn’t tell Ash about what had just happened, she would blow her stack and confront the coach, which would lead to trouble for everyone involved. She resolved to keep it to herself because she didn’t believe he could do anything to hurt her chances of playing professionally. She was widely recognized by the other coaches in the country as one of the best defenders, if not players. She ran her fingers through her hair, shook off what had just happened and rejoined her teammates as if nothing had transpired.

“What was that about?” Ash asked when Ali sat down in front of her locker.

“Oh nothing, just the coach complimenting my play,” Ali said nonchalantly, hoping Ash wouldn’t pick up on anything in her voice.

Ash leaned over to her and said very quietly. “Well, you were amazing today and helped me tremendously, maybe I will show you my appreciation later.”

Combined with what just happened with her coach and her keeping it from the woman she loved, all she could do was manage a weak smile and walk to the shower room.    
  
  
  



End file.
